Kindness - Days 6 and 7 - Not Simple

The truth is I was not nice on Sunday. I was not kind. I was grumpy and tetchy and everything got on my nerves. I was annoyed. Hmm, notice all the "I" statements? Yeah. It was all about me.

Typically, when it's all about you, it's not a good thing - for you or anyone else. I had cabin fever and wanted to get out of the house. It wasn't just a desire to get out of the house, but to go with my husband and family. The kids would have gone anywhere, but my husband had studying to do.

And the tv is blinking out again. The on/off button has developed inconsistent patterns. We've opted to not spend another dime on it, but to tolerate it's bad behavior and then freecycle it with full disclosure.

This post verifies that while there were many opportunities for me to practice kindness this past weekend, I didn't. In the process, I was grouchy and grumpy and no one had a good time. I willfully did not let the Spirit produce kindness in me. Giving myself to God in all situations is not simple.

Hopefully next weekend I'll do better with "love."

Kindness - Day 5 - Almost-Instant Gratification

So what happened after the excitement of yesterday?

I say it all stopped, but that doesn't mean sunshine and bunnies started shooting out of my eyes. I still felt drained and utterly exhausted. My DH (dear husband) wanted to talk to me about his career and some adjustments we might need to make. At 10:30 PM. It took a great deal of self-control to not bicker and snip at him. He needed to talk, but I was fried and didn't want to pay attention. Nor did I want to care. But I do care. Very much. So I listened and we talked and as it always does, it rolled around in my head and kept me awake. Note that I practiced kindness here in a couple of ways. I listened and participated when he needed me AND I didn't punch him in the shoulder later when he was sleeping soundly and I was wound up thinking about what he shared. That was also self-control, but that's another week.

Then our little girl woke up crying at 2:10 AM. She didn't settle herself, so I got her out of bed for a cuddle. She's so funny when she's tired in the middle of the night.

"Do you want a drink?"
"Yeah" ( in a wee little girl voice)
"Okay, here's a sippy of milk for you."

She reaches up, takes it, then just holds it to her chest for a minute. No drinking. She just holds it. A minute later, she was back in bed, the sippy back in the fridge. She's out like a light and I'm wide awake, rethinking everything DH said, completely misinterpreting it because it's 2:45 in the morning. I can't watch TV because it's still broken. No book to read. No magazine to thumb through. Check email. Force myself back to bed to toss and turn again until 4:20. Such a bummer when that happens! I've always envied those who could decide to sleep and just close their eyes and conk out. Me? It takes the convergence of many forces to knock me out.

When the alarm clock bellowed this morning, my fog didn't lift much. Fatigue can do that to you. I wasn't despondent at all... just out of it.

And then the fog lifted. DH reiterated his points again. By the light of day, it made much more sense. Wish I could convince him to refrain from big conversations until morning when I can focus. Then, later, he called to confirm that he would have extra income this summer and to look for anniversary trip options. (AMEN) The repairman came and finished fixing the TV, which didn't need another expensive part after all, and the cost came it at the original, lower price. (AMEN)

What have I learned thus far? God has reminded me that He's the ultimate teacher and while I may have been trying to teach myself by seeking out the big answers to the big questions, He already had a plan for my week. This week hasn't focused on Bible study, but rather God directions. Granted, it's only Friday and Day 5 of the Kindness week. Weeks have 7 days. Two days of kindness left.

Thus far, I'm thankful for the lessons. I haven't flipped out on anyone. Yet. I'm seeing how many ways we can be kind everyday, from how we treat our loved ones, to the professionals who come to our home, to how we respond to the changes of the day.

I'm also very thankful God gave me some almost-instant gratification today by resolving a few issues. One of them is utterly selfish (anniversary trip), and I appreciate it very much. I had convinced myself it was a selfish expense and unnecessary and God was telling us that we needed to stay home. Seems the money is still there. (Thank you!) An anniversary trip isn't a done deal until we're there, but at least it's still on the table. And I'm okay with that.

Kindness - Day 4 - Bring It On

Question:

How do you know when you're on the right track? How do you know when you're doing so well following God's directions that you're under attack?

Answer:

When you end your day by stating with authority, "ENOUGH! You're done. My God is bigger than you and you will not win. Out! Angels who protect me and my family, guard us against all evil and keep us safe. Evil, you can bring it on. But. You. Won't. Win."


Curious what kind of day would inspire that kind of ending?

Let's back up to Wednesday when the TV blitzed out. *sigh* This TV was my grandmother's and was given to us when she passed in January. My Dad sounded a little, well, like it wasn't time to say goodbye to the TV, yet, when I called to ask it's age. So, the hubby and I needed to get it fixed. The repairman was here on Wednesday, but wasn't able to fix the TV completely because he didn't have a necessary part. He came back yesterday and wasn't able to finish fixing the TV. Ouch. Things were beginning to look expensive. Excuse me, more expensive.

Another confirmed expense yesterday? Our roof. Over a month ago we had a major hailstorm that flung baseball and softball sized hail at our neighborhood. Until a few weeks ago, I had no idea a roof could be "totaled." They can. Ours is. The insurance check came yesterday and the roofer came to discuss details on when and how much we would be out of pocket. We're out less than our deductible, but more than expected. Ouch. Again.

One intriguing (God thing?) about yesterday was a conversation about God... with the roofer. Turns out he's a physics student who has spent a considerable amount of time focusing on dimensions. He said science has proven multiple dimensions, but our eyes can only see three. His point was that the closer we get to God, the more we are attacked. The principalities of darkness are interested in keeping us as far from God as possible and they *are* around us. We just can't see them because our eyes are limited to 3-D.

Of course, at this point in the day I felt utterly deflated because the roofing cost was draining funds from our dreamt-of anniversary trip. The TV still wasn't working and the repairman had yet to arrive for what would be yet another fruitless attempt at fixing the TV.

By the time the kids were in bed, the repairman was gone, the money was spent, the kitchen still needed cleaning (again), I felt poor of cash and spirit, and I was drained. I slumped in the recliner and hung my head.

Then, slowly, I raised my chin and whispered the statement above, reprinted here for the sheer delight of doing it:

"ENOUGH! You're done. My God is bigger than you and you will not win. Out! Angels who protect me and my family, guard us against all evil and keep us safe. Evil, you can bring it on. But. You. Won't. Win."

And it stopped.

So what happened next? Well, that's another post.

Kindness - Day 2a - God is GOOD

Big questions today. My search to learn how God defines "kindness" led me to learn more about the fruit of the Spirit. This is what I've learned.

This is what the Life Application Bible (NIV) says about the fruit of the Spirit:

Commentary on Galatians 5:22-23 The fruit of the Spirit is the spontaneous work of the Holy Spirit in us. The Spirit produces these character traits that are found in the nature of Christ. They are the by-products of Christ's control - we can't obtain them by trying to get them without his help. If we want the fruit of the Spirit to grow in us we must join our lives to his (see John 15:4-5). We must know him, love him, remember him, and imitate him. As a result, we will fulfill the intended purpose of the law - to love God and our neighbors. Which of these qualities do you want the Spirit to produce in you?

So basically I can't make myself be kind by sheer force. I have to let the Spirit guide me to be kind. That's hard. HARD. What about when I want to scream and yell and be downright unpleasant? I'm supposed to push those desires aside and let the Spirit guide me to kindness.

John 15:4-5 -Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

This Scripture seems to be following me around lately. Clearly God wants me to pay attention. This is not going to be easy, is it?

So, remember the friend issue I told mentioned? Amen to being able to discuss it with kind words and from my heart. I didn't yell. I didn't cry. We'll see how things settle, but I'm pleased and I'm thankful. "Kindness" is the word of the week.

Kindness - Day 2 - A tough question

Last night my brain would not settle and go to sleep. The question that kept rattling around in my head was where is the line between kindness and sacrifice? Is there a line? Does God recognize a line between kindness and sacrifice? Where is the line between being kind and giving so much you can't function anymore?

This thought occurs to me sometimes, anyway. I read a Holocaust survivor's story years ago that has haunted me. There's no way to share with you the full grasp of what I wonder without sharing the story. It's graphic and gory and horrid, so if you want to spare yourself the haunting, SKIP the rest of this post I'm serious. Stop now. Okay. Fair warning.

This survivor gave an account of traveling through the sewer system with everyone from their apartment building to escape the Nazis. The Nazi's were overhead. The Jews had to crawl through the sewer system in the hopes of making it through to the other side where they would find transportation to a safer place. Imagine it. Dozens of families crawling through a tunnel. As they were silently moving through the tunnel, one of the babies started to cry. The mother and father had a heartbreaking choice. If the baby continued to cry, the Nazis would hear and all of them would be killed. They made the excruciating choice to drown their child in the sewer water rather than expose their location. I honestly don't remember the end of the story. I was so stricken by the death of the child and how that one choice must have replayed in those parents' minds forever that I zoned out on the rest of the story.

My point in telling you the story is this question: Where is the line between kindness and sacrifice? The parents sacrificed their child for the safety of their other children, themselves, their friends, family, and neighbors. They didn't necessarily do it out of kindness, but out of desperation for survival. Every now and then the story comes to mind as I'm watching my children play or holding nursing baby or tucking in a sleepy child. The story has haunted me for years.

What I extrapolate from this story is that in my Southern culture or my own psyche (I don't know which), I have this desire to be kind to the point of pain. I bend and I bend and I bend in the name of kindness. I bend to the point of sacrificing my family's sanctuary, to the point of giving away what we need. Is that more than kindness and does that move into an area God does not expect?

Sometimes I wonder what I would do. Sometimes I wonder, if I were in a war situation or if I were on a deserted island, like in "Lost," there with my three children, would it be better for me to stay back and care for them or pick up my weapon and head off with the warriors? I have a fierce warrior side to my personality. I know myself well enough to know I take duty very seriously. But I'm a mother. I have three children. I can't go running off into the wilderness to fight. Who will take care of them if something happens to me? Who will care for them if I'm gone for awhile? I have a duty to them.

How is running off to fight different from protecting my family from my over-generosity and need to please? Don't I have a responsibility to be as mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy for my family as possible? Don't I have a responsibility to to protect them and care for them at all costs? (I'm not talking about having the latest and the greatest, but rather having a safe place to live and basic necessities.) Don't I have a responsibility to be... present and in the healthiest shape possible?

The likelihood of my being in a tunnel and being forced to choose to sacrifice the one for the many is slim at best. But every day I am faced with many small choices that can lead to larger issues. If I am allowing myself to be treated poorly in the name of kindness - is that really kindness? - and it's wearing me down and exhausting me, is that what God wants of me?

What I need to find out in this journey is what God calls kindness and what God expects of me.

Kindness - Day 1a

Speaking of kindness... How is it that I'm focusing on "kindness" and am worried about a friendship, but when my dear, sweet, hard-working husband asks me to come to bed and please rub his shoulders (NOT a euphemism), I stay online? Hmmm.

Methinks I have much to learn about this kindness business.

Does kindess to myself count? Does saying this is the first few minutes I've had in 9 hours to be left the freak alone mean anything?

Off to bed with me. The man's sound asleep at this point.