Some Dreams You Don't Interpret

Last night I had a dream I had a botched boob job and was married to two gay men.

I don't think I want to know what this says about me.

On the bright side, my clothes were very fashionable and the house was very clean.

On the dark side, one boob was noticeably bigger than the other and I was very frustrated about the lack of  wink*wink*nudge*nudge.

I kept saying, "I think maybe it's time for eHarmony.com."

Why didn't I say anything about fixin' the wonky boob?

Some dreams, you just don't interpret.

Um, yeah.

~ G

Clean It Out

We had the chimney cleaned.  We've been in our house for more than just a couple years and hadn't had the chimney cleaned, yet.  Ahem.  While the guy was here, he asked about cleaning out the dryer vent.  I told him we couldn't afford it.

Which is true.

He dropped the price by $60.  Ha.  I consented.

The dryer vents got cleaned out and evidently, they were packed.  It's shocking how much faster laundry gets cleaned around here.  What usually takes all day took half a day.  I'm so excited to have extra time on my hands, I almost don't even know what to do with myself.

I'll figure it out - have no worries.

~ G

Dairy-Free?

My Darling has decided to remove dairy from his diet to see if it's the culprit for some health issues.

No dairy for him until Christmas.

Suddenly, I have forgotten how to cook.

It's like "no-dairy" has translated in my head as "no-cooking."

I need help.

Would you mind posting your favorite non-dairy recipes and/or links?  I would appreciate it.

~ G

A Plan

Our conversation at dinner last night. (Keep in mind that Middle One is in 1st grade and Big Kid is in 3rd) :

Me: What was the best part of your day?
Middle One: Recess.  I ran around chasing girls. (laughs)
Darling: What were you going to do when you caught one?
Middle One: I don't know.
Big Kid: Well, you need to know what you're doing.
Darling: That's right, you need to have a plan. (winks at me)

~ G

We Will Hold You To This

Thank you, Mr. Speaker-Elect.  We will hold you to this:

Pillars of a New Majority | by Leader John Boehner (R-OH)


~ G

My Anger Issues

Me, calmly: Would you mind feeding the kids so I can finish this?

Darling: Okay.

...10 minutes later...

Me, noticing the kids are not being fed while Darling is watching TV: Would you please feed the kids while I finish this?  It has to get done.

Darling: Got it.

...15 minutes later...

Me, filthy from the job I'm working on, seeing the kids aren't getting fed: Honey, would you please feed the kids?  I can't leave this right now.

Darling: What? I don't know what they want to eat.

Me: How about grilled cheese or cereal or sandwiches?  Ask them.

Darling: I don't know what they want to eat.  What do they want to eat?  When will you be done?  Why did you even start this now when you knew they'd be hungry?

Me: I'm doing this because you asked me to get it done today.  You told me it needed to get done today and because we're trick-or-treating later, it has to get done now.  Please feed the kids.  Offer them cereal or grilled cheese or PB&J.  Please feed them.  Get them started and they can help make whatever they choose. They're hungry and starting to melt down.

Darling: What do they want to eat?  I don't know what they want to eat.

Me:  SERIOUSLY?  ASK THEM!  Give them a couple options and ASK THEM.  Feed the kids, PLEASE!

Darling: You really have anger issues.



Yeah.  I obviously have serious anger issues.

~ G

I Don't Negotiate With Terrorists

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

If you fling yourself on the floor and cry in protest...

If you whine and complain and carry on...

If you stonewall and act like the world owes you something...

If you pitch a fit because you aren't getting your way...

If I ask you to do something and you fail to do it...

If you can't seem to get along nicely with other people simply because they exist...

You are a terrorist.

I don't care if you're only 3 or 5 or 7 or 9 or 12 years old.

I will not negotiate with you.

Don't mess with me.

I have enough self-control to outlast you... and I will.

Make no mistake that you will lose your bid to control this family.

I make no apologies for doing my dead-level best to turn you into a decent human being and I am willing to go down in flames trying.

Feel free to tell your friends.

I make no apologies.

I'm a mean Mother.

~ G