Please welcome Guest Blogger Natalie...
When G asked me to contribute to the symposium, I told her that I wanted to but life has been crazy lately with sick kids and holiday plans. Her response was a very gracious, "If the words are rattling around in your head, write. If it's too much, don't." So, this morning while I was unloading the dishwasher I took it as a sign that I need to write since the words were definitely rattling around in my head.
I've been married for nine years and have three kids, ranging in age from 7 years old down to 7 months old. It is a very interesting season in a marriage, to say the least!
The first thing that was rattling around in this brain of mine is that a lasting marriage takes two people who are truly committed to making a marriage work and are, therefore, committed to each other. Problems will come up. Misunderstandings will happen. There will be disagreements. There will be arguments. There will probably even be anger and fighting and hurtful words spoken. But! But, if both husband and wife are committed to the marriage then these are all learning and growing experiences that will serve to make the marriage stronger, rather than pulling it apart.
A good marriage really does have its beginnings before any vows are spoken. If you don't start with the right person, then it makes a successful marriage very difficult. And, by "right" I don't mean that one person who you've fallen head-over-heels in love with. That initial "love" (infatuation?) is no where near enough to make a successful, long-lasting marriage. Butteflies only last so long. Then life happens. Reality is messy if you aren't expecting it and you don't have the right person to face it with you. That is when infatuation has the real chance to turn into true love. Love is not a feeling or a desire. It is tested over time in many ways.
You see, love is a choice in many ways. In this season of my life, I have to choose to love my husband. I am in the throws of diapers, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, longing for my previous life of working outside of the home, and a bit of chaos. It is very easy to turn inward and think about me, me, me and give myself a good, long pity party. Don't think I haven't done just that! But, I need to choose to show my husband that I do love him, even if there are others in the home that need me maybe just a little bit more than he does in this specific season. Let's face it, a puking toddler needs me more than my husband does, and a hungry infant has to take priority over a love note. But, between those moments of immediate child needs, a kind word, a short note, a text message, or a favorite batch of cookies baked can go a looong way to show that I still care about him. . . even if he comes home from work to find me unshowered, wearing clothes from yesterday, covered in spit up, and just a bit grumpy (or, even, a lot grumpy as is the case from time to time). I may not feel like performing any of those kind gestures, but I need to. I need to make that choice. Of course, he needs to make the choice to show love as well (and he does. . . he's often better at it than I am, to the point of making me feel as if I'm not worthy!). That's the way a marriage works. Both husband and wife need to choose to love. If one partner does not choose to show love, marriage can be a sad, lonely, draining place to be.
As our children grow, they will be just slightly less needy (in the immediate physical needs department) and a new season of our marriage will be in full swing. Diapers and night time feedings will be a thing of the past, and I'm sure that new challenges will replace them. Love will still be a choice. To have a successful marriage, both members have to enter into it knowing that Love will be the ONLY viable choice. True, deep, real love. Not the kind of love found in romance novels or the movies. Rather, this kind of love:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I Corinthians 13:5-8a
No mention of butterflies or increased pulse rate there.
It truly is quite a lot to live up to, and we will fail. We will occasionally choose something other than love (like, oh, maybe anger or jealousy), but we repent and start over with choosing love. Every day. When our partner fails, we need to forgive, not retaliate. Wow. That's hard. But. . . that's Love.
~ Natalie
Showing posts with label Guest Blogger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Guest Blogger. Show all posts
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Marriage Symposium - Claire
Please welcome Guest Blogger Claire...
When I think of a successful marriage, one that can stand the test of time, trial, adversity, happiness and love, I think of my parents. They were married for just 51 short years before cancer took my father away, but those years were as close to perfect as any can get. They epitomized the verse which tells us that the "two shall become one."
Mom and Dad had a partnership in every sense of the word. She would never have made a large purchase without first talking it over with him and he'd have never made a life changing decision without first discussing it with her. They did everything together, always putting the other person and what they felt, wanted or needed first. I saw my parents argue on occasion but I never saw them fight. Dad had his own business so of course there were times of struggle and financial hardship but that was something they worked through together, just as they enjoyed their success and the good life together. They were a very traditional family, she stayed home and took care of the house and children and he provided for the family. Both were happy and content in their roles, and, while one would happily help the other, those roles were clearly defined. There was never any competition, I never heard my mother say she "wasn't her own person" or worried about "finding herself". My father and mother truly respected each other. One would never have denegrated the other or made light of their contribution to the home. Both felt that without the other they could never have survived and that, in turn, gave each one a sense of importance to the marriage.
Faith played a very important part in our home. On Sunday, we children went to Sunday School and the entire family always went to church. Religion was an important part of our upbringing and was always part of any family decision.
The example they set for their four children was something that each of us has taken to heart and learned from. In all the years I was growing up, I never once feared that my family was in jeopardy and divorce was something I never even thought about.
Today many young people get married without any real committment or sense of lifetime. Many come from families of divorce and have lots of friends who are divorced so it's "easy" to use that avenue of escape rather than working at making it work. No one will tell you that being married is easy, but most who've been married for a long time will tell you that it is very worth the effort. Marriage is a sacrament and should be treated as such. When the storms come, and they will, a partnership which includes God, love, and a committment to one another will thrive and grow.
~ Claire
When I think of a successful marriage, one that can stand the test of time, trial, adversity, happiness and love, I think of my parents. They were married for just 51 short years before cancer took my father away, but those years were as close to perfect as any can get. They epitomized the verse which tells us that the "two shall become one."
Mom and Dad had a partnership in every sense of the word. She would never have made a large purchase without first talking it over with him and he'd have never made a life changing decision without first discussing it with her. They did everything together, always putting the other person and what they felt, wanted or needed first. I saw my parents argue on occasion but I never saw them fight. Dad had his own business so of course there were times of struggle and financial hardship but that was something they worked through together, just as they enjoyed their success and the good life together. They were a very traditional family, she stayed home and took care of the house and children and he provided for the family. Both were happy and content in their roles, and, while one would happily help the other, those roles were clearly defined. There was never any competition, I never heard my mother say she "wasn't her own person" or worried about "finding herself". My father and mother truly respected each other. One would never have denegrated the other or made light of their contribution to the home. Both felt that without the other they could never have survived and that, in turn, gave each one a sense of importance to the marriage.
Faith played a very important part in our home. On Sunday, we children went to Sunday School and the entire family always went to church. Religion was an important part of our upbringing and was always part of any family decision.
The example they set for their four children was something that each of us has taken to heart and learned from. In all the years I was growing up, I never once feared that my family was in jeopardy and divorce was something I never even thought about.
Today many young people get married without any real committment or sense of lifetime. Many come from families of divorce and have lots of friends who are divorced so it's "easy" to use that avenue of escape rather than working at making it work. No one will tell you that being married is easy, but most who've been married for a long time will tell you that it is very worth the effort. Marriage is a sacrament and should be treated as such. When the storms come, and they will, a partnership which includes God, love, and a committment to one another will thrive and grow.
~ Claire
Friday, December 17, 2010
Marriage Symposium - Dan
Please welcome Guest Blogger Dan...
On Marriage
Let’s face facts. There are marriages that fail because they never should have been in the first place. And there are those that fail because something has happened that makes the relationship untenable. Either way, some marriages are doomed from the start. The question is, how can those doomed relationships be avoided and how can successful unions remain so?
My guess is that if partners in a thousand long and successful marriages were asked what the secret is to a long and successful marriage, two thousand different answers would be forthcoming. I suppose one would hear responses ranging from love and devotion to stubbornness and a refusal to accept failure. My wife and I have been married over 43 years. When we married, I was 25 and she was 22. So she has spent almost twice as much time with me than without me. We joke about it, but we agree that it is difficult to remember any time that we weren’t together. As for the secret – well I can only guess. And certainly, I can only guess about my own experience and no one else’s.
So, for what it is worth, here are my guesses. First is luck. We were lucky to find each other. Obviously, with billions of people in the world, there are lots of potential matches that would be successful. So, why this one? Well, we were cautious. We learned over months of courtship that we had a lot in common and neither of us found anything in the other’s behavior or attitudes that gave us a headache or cause for concern. To this day, I believe my wife is my best friend and I think she feels the same about me. Without common values, attitudes, beliefs, interests and judgments, it is hard to imagine a couple being best friends for very long. And, we have never tried to change each other’s characteristics. So, as I said, we were each lucky to find a partner with almost everything in common.
Second, has to be respect. If we didn’t respect each other, how could we ever love each other? And respect implies lots of things. Sure, we’ve had disagreements and maybe even a real argument or two. But, given a few minutes of reflection, we realized that we respected each other too much to allow anything to hurt the other. Maybe a great deal of respect is compassion. But whatever it is, I wouldn’t hurt her for anything on earth and I think she feels the same about me. There is a lot of give and take in a marriage. I often think, I’d like to have my way, but is it worth winning a point or forcing and issue if it threatens a relationship? Sometimes I have said some stupid things and maybe some hurtful things – we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t wish we could retract something stupid that came out of our mouths. But, having enough respect to recognize that and correct it and do all you can to prevent it ever happening again, is paramount in a relationship.
Third, is responsibility. A wedding vow is an oath. Whether it is a civil marriage where the oath is given before a witness or a religious oath that is given before God, it is still and oath. And are we responsible enough to take it seriously? Marriage is not a test drive or a rehearsal. It is the real deal - especially if children are contemplated. If you are not ready to assume adult responsibility for your actions, then don’t do it. Some people say they are ready, but their behavior says otherwise. Being responsible means many things. Some of what it means to me is accepting the psychological burden, the emotional burden, the social burden, the physical burden and perhaps often shoved in the background, the financial burden. Trying to carry a burden that is too great, can lead to stresses that will eventually lead to failure. So, my feeling is to be responsible enough to look soberly at reality. Are we prepared to face these burdens together? Forever!
Fourth, is hard work. If we really value something, we will work hard for it. A marriage may not be a tangible entity, but it certainly should be considered something of immense value. I have often considered our marriage a work in progress. It is the canvas of our lives that will never be quite finished. It will always demand my attention to keep making it better. Maybe some of the colors didn’t turn out as vibrant as I wished, and maybe some of the shapes aren’t as perfect as I would like, but it is our canvas and I will continue to due do my part to be sure it is as good we can make it. And that can be hard work. It cannot be taken for granted. It needs constant attention and constant devotion. Sometimes all it needs is a lot of thought and other times it needs a little touch up here and there to keep it interesting. And above all, I want our canvas to be pleasant to look at. It should reflect overall satisfaction and evoke warm feelings when contemplated. Being pleasant is not always easy, but I believe we reap what we sow and pleasant behavior today will beget pleasant memories.
Fifth, is a sense of humor. I know that life is a one way-street, that sometimes seems to have too many bumps and potholes, but the trip can and should be as enjoyable as we can make it. If we can’t laugh at our foibles and smile when challenged, we are missing something really important. As partners, my wife and I do a lot of teasing and look for fun things to do together. I realize that life can’t always be one joyful experience after another, but I try to challenge myself to seek new experiences that bring joy to us. Learning and growing should be fun. Even on a limited budget, we can still find libraries with wonderful books to open our eyes to new adventures. It’s not hard to find enjoyment in everyday life. It’s achieved with a sense of humor and a positive attitude.
Now, you’re probably wondering when, if ever, I’m going to mention love. Well, there may be such a thing as love at first sight, but I am more inclined to believe that love grows slowly and needs to be nurtured to fully bloom. If the above five ideas or guesses are there, then love has a chance. In our case, I think our love grows stronger every day because we have these five things in common. In other words, if you are lucky enough to find someone, who shares your interests, your values and your respect, your sense of responsibility, is willing to work hard to make the relationship enjoyable and has a sense of humor, you have a great chance of developing a life long love affair. There will be highs and lows, there will be challenges and disappointments, but if the foundation is there, the structure will weather the storms.
And one last thought about relationships. There are people who start projects, but never finish them. I avoid those people. They are quitters who clutter their lives with unnecessary baggage. I want to be around people who take pride in what they do and finish their projects, however humble they may be. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you enter into life’s major project – marriage and pro-creation, then do so with the commitment to see it through. Don’t be a quitter who runs away when the going gets tough. That kind of behavior is not fair to you, your spouse and especially your children. Choose your canvas carefully and then take pride in maintaining it.
- Dan
On Marriage
Let’s face facts. There are marriages that fail because they never should have been in the first place. And there are those that fail because something has happened that makes the relationship untenable. Either way, some marriages are doomed from the start. The question is, how can those doomed relationships be avoided and how can successful unions remain so?
My guess is that if partners in a thousand long and successful marriages were asked what the secret is to a long and successful marriage, two thousand different answers would be forthcoming. I suppose one would hear responses ranging from love and devotion to stubbornness and a refusal to accept failure. My wife and I have been married over 43 years. When we married, I was 25 and she was 22. So she has spent almost twice as much time with me than without me. We joke about it, but we agree that it is difficult to remember any time that we weren’t together. As for the secret – well I can only guess. And certainly, I can only guess about my own experience and no one else’s.
So, for what it is worth, here are my guesses. First is luck. We were lucky to find each other. Obviously, with billions of people in the world, there are lots of potential matches that would be successful. So, why this one? Well, we were cautious. We learned over months of courtship that we had a lot in common and neither of us found anything in the other’s behavior or attitudes that gave us a headache or cause for concern. To this day, I believe my wife is my best friend and I think she feels the same about me. Without common values, attitudes, beliefs, interests and judgments, it is hard to imagine a couple being best friends for very long. And, we have never tried to change each other’s characteristics. So, as I said, we were each lucky to find a partner with almost everything in common.
Second, has to be respect. If we didn’t respect each other, how could we ever love each other? And respect implies lots of things. Sure, we’ve had disagreements and maybe even a real argument or two. But, given a few minutes of reflection, we realized that we respected each other too much to allow anything to hurt the other. Maybe a great deal of respect is compassion. But whatever it is, I wouldn’t hurt her for anything on earth and I think she feels the same about me. There is a lot of give and take in a marriage. I often think, I’d like to have my way, but is it worth winning a point or forcing and issue if it threatens a relationship? Sometimes I have said some stupid things and maybe some hurtful things – we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t wish we could retract something stupid that came out of our mouths. But, having enough respect to recognize that and correct it and do all you can to prevent it ever happening again, is paramount in a relationship.
Third, is responsibility. A wedding vow is an oath. Whether it is a civil marriage where the oath is given before a witness or a religious oath that is given before God, it is still and oath. And are we responsible enough to take it seriously? Marriage is not a test drive or a rehearsal. It is the real deal - especially if children are contemplated. If you are not ready to assume adult responsibility for your actions, then don’t do it. Some people say they are ready, but their behavior says otherwise. Being responsible means many things. Some of what it means to me is accepting the psychological burden, the emotional burden, the social burden, the physical burden and perhaps often shoved in the background, the financial burden. Trying to carry a burden that is too great, can lead to stresses that will eventually lead to failure. So, my feeling is to be responsible enough to look soberly at reality. Are we prepared to face these burdens together? Forever!
Fourth, is hard work. If we really value something, we will work hard for it. A marriage may not be a tangible entity, but it certainly should be considered something of immense value. I have often considered our marriage a work in progress. It is the canvas of our lives that will never be quite finished. It will always demand my attention to keep making it better. Maybe some of the colors didn’t turn out as vibrant as I wished, and maybe some of the shapes aren’t as perfect as I would like, but it is our canvas and I will continue to due do my part to be sure it is as good we can make it. And that can be hard work. It cannot be taken for granted. It needs constant attention and constant devotion. Sometimes all it needs is a lot of thought and other times it needs a little touch up here and there to keep it interesting. And above all, I want our canvas to be pleasant to look at. It should reflect overall satisfaction and evoke warm feelings when contemplated. Being pleasant is not always easy, but I believe we reap what we sow and pleasant behavior today will beget pleasant memories.
Fifth, is a sense of humor. I know that life is a one way-street, that sometimes seems to have too many bumps and potholes, but the trip can and should be as enjoyable as we can make it. If we can’t laugh at our foibles and smile when challenged, we are missing something really important. As partners, my wife and I do a lot of teasing and look for fun things to do together. I realize that life can’t always be one joyful experience after another, but I try to challenge myself to seek new experiences that bring joy to us. Learning and growing should be fun. Even on a limited budget, we can still find libraries with wonderful books to open our eyes to new adventures. It’s not hard to find enjoyment in everyday life. It’s achieved with a sense of humor and a positive attitude.
Now, you’re probably wondering when, if ever, I’m going to mention love. Well, there may be such a thing as love at first sight, but I am more inclined to believe that love grows slowly and needs to be nurtured to fully bloom. If the above five ideas or guesses are there, then love has a chance. In our case, I think our love grows stronger every day because we have these five things in common. In other words, if you are lucky enough to find someone, who shares your interests, your values and your respect, your sense of responsibility, is willing to work hard to make the relationship enjoyable and has a sense of humor, you have a great chance of developing a life long love affair. There will be highs and lows, there will be challenges and disappointments, but if the foundation is there, the structure will weather the storms.
And one last thought about relationships. There are people who start projects, but never finish them. I avoid those people. They are quitters who clutter their lives with unnecessary baggage. I want to be around people who take pride in what they do and finish their projects, however humble they may be. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you enter into life’s major project – marriage and pro-creation, then do so with the commitment to see it through. Don’t be a quitter who runs away when the going gets tough. That kind of behavior is not fair to you, your spouse and especially your children. Choose your canvas carefully and then take pride in maintaining it.
- Dan
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Marriage Symposium - Paige
My friend Paige and I were discussing marriage and she graciously agreed to write for the marriage symposium. Paige and Kyle have been married just short of five years.
Paige Writes -
What has surprised me the most about marriage is how hard it is to find couple time after the kids come and how easy it is to avoid date night cause it's too much of a pain to mess with the kids' schedule and getting a sitter. We basically sacrifice our relationship for convenience. And it's NOTHING like the movies, movies create unrealistic expectations of marriage.
What have I seen that cripples marriage? Easy, FILTERS! A young couple will do well to learn about filters. For example, alcohol is a touchy subject with me. When I mention to Kyle that I think he's drinking too much, it doesn't really matter how I say it, he hears "alcohol" and everything I say thereafter makes him angry. He has an alcohol filter. We all have filters, they are blocks to communication. If we don't acknowledge them we cannot overcome them.
If I could only say one thing to a young couple I'd tell them after the lust phase i.e. honeymoon phase if over there will come a time where you must choose to love your spouse. Kyle and I have discussed this often. I remember once when he was very upset with me, I don't remember why, but I do remember asking him if he stilled loved me. He said "Yes, but only because I'm choosing to."
Kyle and I often say "I love you," but it's the "I like yous" that mean the most to me :) As silly as it sounds an "I like you" will get a bigger response out of me than an "I love you" when coming from my husband!
~ Paige
Paige Writes -
What has surprised me the most about marriage is how hard it is to find couple time after the kids come and how easy it is to avoid date night cause it's too much of a pain to mess with the kids' schedule and getting a sitter. We basically sacrifice our relationship for convenience. And it's NOTHING like the movies, movies create unrealistic expectations of marriage.
What have I seen that cripples marriage? Easy, FILTERS! A young couple will do well to learn about filters. For example, alcohol is a touchy subject with me. When I mention to Kyle that I think he's drinking too much, it doesn't really matter how I say it, he hears "alcohol" and everything I say thereafter makes him angry. He has an alcohol filter. We all have filters, they are blocks to communication. If we don't acknowledge them we cannot overcome them.
If I could only say one thing to a young couple I'd tell them after the lust phase i.e. honeymoon phase if over there will come a time where you must choose to love your spouse. Kyle and I have discussed this often. I remember once when he was very upset with me, I don't remember why, but I do remember asking him if he stilled loved me. He said "Yes, but only because I'm choosing to."
Kyle and I often say "I love you," but it's the "I like yous" that mean the most to me :) As silly as it sounds an "I like you" will get a bigger response out of me than an "I love you" when coming from my husband!
~ Paige
Friday, December 3, 2010
A Mother's Heart - Speaking the Unspeakable
Please welcome my Guest Blogger, Mama C. She is a sweet lady and a friend of mine who has a gift for putting her feelings into words. I asked her to share her story with us and she graciously agreed. A Mother's heart can be fiercely protective, tender in its approach, and deeply wounded. Mama C writes about those wounds. And now, Mama C...
Speaking the Unspeakable
How do I write about the loss of my children? While it is an experience I share with millions of other women, including a majority of my friends, it is an intensely personal experience that I have trouble explaining even to my husband. Maybe I’ll try starting with the basics.
I am the mother of six precious babies. Three of those babies are sleeping in my bed right now. Three of those babies are sleeping in heaven. After a three year struggle to get pregnant, my first child, Baby A came into my world on October 18th, 2002. And then she was gone to heaven on November 7, 2002. Our oldest was then born in August 2003. Our second boy came along in February of 2005 and it seemed we were well on the way to the family we dreamed of. Then in February 2006 we were surprised to find ourselves expecting again. Baby S came into existence on February 14, 2006. Through many troubles, she clung to life for 17 weeks and 2 days. She was born still on June 1, 2006.
I was finally able to bring a baby girl - Baby L – home with me on May 18, 2007. Due to the strain of a pregnancy after a stillbirth, we decided to wait awhile before conceiving again. Then we were once again surprised by a blessing. Baby C joined our family on July 25, 2010. He left us, painfully, in early September 2010. Baby C was then born on October 1, 2010.
This last loss is what I am supposed to be discussing here. I am glad to share this experience because I know how lonely losing a sweet baby is. Hopefully someone who is suffering through this most terrible of all losses, the loss of a child, will feel some small bit of the horrible weight lifted knowing she is not alone.
The worst part of losing a baby is, of course, the loss of this little life for which you have so much love and had so many hopes and dreams. For me, the minute I find out I am pregnant my child’s whole life sort of flashes before my eyes. I spend days and nights dreaming about everything from those last days hugely pregnant waiting for the birth to nursing my sweet baby to chasing another toddler to playing dress up to first days of school and on and on and on. All of that, all of those moments never experienced are ripped out of your future. Along with this come waves of hormones and emotions that could fell a mastodon.
As life continues around you, you are riding these waves of grief and pain and guilt and sadness that at times allow you to float almost feeling normal and in the next moment swamp you and drag you down. It is very easy, and very common, to feel like you are losing your mind. And we mamas tend to add to it by questioning the perfection of our experience. If we allow ourselves to grieve and let our normal “duties” go undone for a few days, we privately berate ourselves for making too much of this loss that society says is no big deal. If we have a day where our other children actually make us laugh, we feel we are somehow betraying our lost child by not grieving enough.
My Baby C was born just over a month ago. I have not yet truly grieved for a few reasons. For one, the day he was born I almost died and then I spent the next week and half in and out of the hospital and doctors’ offices. For another, he was born at the busiest time of year for my work and my absences caused problems that nearly got me fired.
What kind of mother am I? What kind of mother values her own life, and her job, more than her precious baby? And yet I go on, not allowing myself to grieve because I have three living children who need food and clothes and a home. And while I cannot convince my heart yet, my mind knows that is alright because I am doing what is best for my family.
The second worst part of losing a baby is the unbearable loneliness. The world doesn’t know what to do with a mama who has lost a child and a mama who has lost a child doesn’t know what to do with the world. The people who love me want so much to help me but haven’t the faintest idea how. Most of them just end up handling me with kid gloves like I might explode at any moment. Others act like nothing happened.
And still others try to help in the worst possible ways. Like my dear wonderful boss who wants to help me lose weight so I won’t lose any more babies not realizing that by doing so she is saying that it is my fault that Baby C and Baby S and Baby A died.
And I am just as schizophrenic in my handling of the world. I so desperately want to talk about what happened because that is how I get to hang onto my babies and be their mother. But I don’t want to burden anyone so I try not to let on when I am feeling raw. I need help because I still am physically weak, but I know everyone else has their own trials and they don’t need my burden added to theirs.
And on another level, I know that society considers miscarriage to be a minor matter and a “modern” woman should barely miss a step when it occurs. This leads to women not discussing miscarriage and so I feel like I cannot be open about my loss for fear of hurting someone who has lost a baby and still carries grief she was never able to express.
Losing a baby, even very early on, is a devastating experience. The degree of that devastation varies from woman to woman and from loss to loss. It is unsettling and overwhelming. You feel sad and crazy and everything in between. If you are a mama who has lost a baby, at any stage, be kind to yourself. However you grieve is how you are supposed to grieve. Whatever you feel is how you are supposed to feel. If you need help, ask for it. Your loved ones want so much to help you; give them the chance. You spend the rest of your life taking care of others; this is one time in life where you need to allow yourself to be taken care of. And remember, you are not crazy and you are not alone. Find someone who understands where you are coming from. There are many groups online where you can tell your story and be understood by women who have been where you are.
If you love a mama who has lost a baby, at any stage: talk to her. Don’t let her push off your concern. Don’t let her hide her feelings. If she has other kids, help her care for them. If she doesn’t have other children, help care for her. She is as unsure how to act as you are. Even if you are uncomfortable, take the burden off of her so she can sleep if she wants or talk if she wants or play with the kids because other mama concerns like laundry are covered.
Time will not heal this wound but time will bring a new normal. Until then, love goes a long way.
~ Mama C
I am the mother of six precious babies. Three of those babies are sleeping in my bed right now. Three of those babies are sleeping in heaven. After a three year struggle to get pregnant, my first child, Baby A came into my world on October 18th, 2002. And then she was gone to heaven on November 7, 2002. Our oldest was then born in August 2003. Our second boy came along in February of 2005 and it seemed we were well on the way to the family we dreamed of. Then in February 2006 we were surprised to find ourselves expecting again. Baby S came into existence on February 14, 2006. Through many troubles, she clung to life for 17 weeks and 2 days. She was born still on June 1, 2006.
I was finally able to bring a baby girl - Baby L – home with me on May 18, 2007. Due to the strain of a pregnancy after a stillbirth, we decided to wait awhile before conceiving again. Then we were once again surprised by a blessing. Baby C joined our family on July 25, 2010. He left us, painfully, in early September 2010. Baby C was then born on October 1, 2010.
This last loss is what I am supposed to be discussing here. I am glad to share this experience because I know how lonely losing a sweet baby is. Hopefully someone who is suffering through this most terrible of all losses, the loss of a child, will feel some small bit of the horrible weight lifted knowing she is not alone.
The worst part of losing a baby is, of course, the loss of this little life for which you have so much love and had so many hopes and dreams. For me, the minute I find out I am pregnant my child’s whole life sort of flashes before my eyes. I spend days and nights dreaming about everything from those last days hugely pregnant waiting for the birth to nursing my sweet baby to chasing another toddler to playing dress up to first days of school and on and on and on. All of that, all of those moments never experienced are ripped out of your future. Along with this come waves of hormones and emotions that could fell a mastodon.
As life continues around you, you are riding these waves of grief and pain and guilt and sadness that at times allow you to float almost feeling normal and in the next moment swamp you and drag you down. It is very easy, and very common, to feel like you are losing your mind. And we mamas tend to add to it by questioning the perfection of our experience. If we allow ourselves to grieve and let our normal “duties” go undone for a few days, we privately berate ourselves for making too much of this loss that society says is no big deal. If we have a day where our other children actually make us laugh, we feel we are somehow betraying our lost child by not grieving enough.
My Baby C was born just over a month ago. I have not yet truly grieved for a few reasons. For one, the day he was born I almost died and then I spent the next week and half in and out of the hospital and doctors’ offices. For another, he was born at the busiest time of year for my work and my absences caused problems that nearly got me fired.
What kind of mother am I? What kind of mother values her own life, and her job, more than her precious baby? And yet I go on, not allowing myself to grieve because I have three living children who need food and clothes and a home. And while I cannot convince my heart yet, my mind knows that is alright because I am doing what is best for my family.
The second worst part of losing a baby is the unbearable loneliness. The world doesn’t know what to do with a mama who has lost a child and a mama who has lost a child doesn’t know what to do with the world. The people who love me want so much to help me but haven’t the faintest idea how. Most of them just end up handling me with kid gloves like I might explode at any moment. Others act like nothing happened.
And still others try to help in the worst possible ways. Like my dear wonderful boss who wants to help me lose weight so I won’t lose any more babies not realizing that by doing so she is saying that it is my fault that Baby C and Baby S and Baby A died.
And I am just as schizophrenic in my handling of the world. I so desperately want to talk about what happened because that is how I get to hang onto my babies and be their mother. But I don’t want to burden anyone so I try not to let on when I am feeling raw. I need help because I still am physically weak, but I know everyone else has their own trials and they don’t need my burden added to theirs.
And on another level, I know that society considers miscarriage to be a minor matter and a “modern” woman should barely miss a step when it occurs. This leads to women not discussing miscarriage and so I feel like I cannot be open about my loss for fear of hurting someone who has lost a baby and still carries grief she was never able to express.
Losing a baby, even very early on, is a devastating experience. The degree of that devastation varies from woman to woman and from loss to loss. It is unsettling and overwhelming. You feel sad and crazy and everything in between. If you are a mama who has lost a baby, at any stage, be kind to yourself. However you grieve is how you are supposed to grieve. Whatever you feel is how you are supposed to feel. If you need help, ask for it. Your loved ones want so much to help you; give them the chance. You spend the rest of your life taking care of others; this is one time in life where you need to allow yourself to be taken care of. And remember, you are not crazy and you are not alone. Find someone who understands where you are coming from. There are many groups online where you can tell your story and be understood by women who have been where you are.
If you love a mama who has lost a baby, at any stage: talk to her. Don’t let her push off your concern. Don’t let her hide her feelings. If she has other kids, help her care for them. If she doesn’t have other children, help care for her. She is as unsure how to act as you are. Even if you are uncomfortable, take the burden off of her so she can sleep if she wants or talk if she wants or play with the kids because other mama concerns like laundry are covered.
Time will not heal this wound but time will bring a new normal. Until then, love goes a long way.
~ Mama C
Thursday, June 10, 2010
No Sheeples Here - Guest Blogger
Please welcome The Right Girl's first guest blogger. No Sheeples Here has graced us with a thought-provoking post about the American Flag. Be sure to leave a comment and say hello. Without further ado:
WARNING: This Flag Is More Than A Piece Of Cloth
Call me a sentimental old fool. I happen to think that America’s history and the sacrifice of generations who fought for our flag and our country means more than just a piece of cloth at the end of a pole. It represents freedom and American ideals.
The American flag flies on the moon, hurtling out in space on a gravity-less lunar surface, planted there by astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. It flew at Ft. McHenry in 1814 and was the inspiration for Francis Scott Key’s immortal “Star Spangled Banner”. It was raised at great peril on Mount Suribachi in 1945 on the godforsaken island of Iwo Jima. It sits atop Mount Everest, placed there by American mountaineer Jim Whittaker in May of 1963. When our Olympians stand victoriously on the podium, Old Glory is raised high above their heads. The flag is how America signs her name. The flag is the emblem of America’s collective character.
There’s commotion going on about Wilder Productions adding a warning label on its reprints of the United States Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, Common Sense, the Articles of Confederation and the Federalist Papers.
It reads, in part: “This book is a product of its time and does not reflect the same values as it would if it were written today. Parents might wish to discuss with their children how views on race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity and interpersonal relations have changed since this book was written before allowing them to read this classic work.”
Can someone please tell me why there must be a warning label on the only safeguard of our liberties? It was Franklin Delano Roosevelt who is credited with saying that “the United States Constitution has proved itself the most marvelously elastic compilation of rules of government ever written.”
As Flag Day, which is celebrated each June 14 approaches, let us remember the poignant words of John F. Kennedy, who on October 27, 1963 said, “A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces, but also by the men it honors; the men it remembers.”
As long as older gentlemen stand ramrod straight to salute Old Glory. As long a brave young men go to fight a war on distant soil so that the enemy doesn’t fight us in our homeland and until I am no more, I will stand guard over liberty. Will you join me?
The next time you catch a glimpse of the moon, remember, there’s a flag up there.
~ No Sheeples Here
WARNING: This Flag Is More Than A Piece Of Cloth
Call me a sentimental old fool. I happen to think that America’s history and the sacrifice of generations who fought for our flag and our country means more than just a piece of cloth at the end of a pole. It represents freedom and American ideals.
The American flag flies on the moon, hurtling out in space on a gravity-less lunar surface, planted there by astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. It flew at Ft. McHenry in 1814 and was the inspiration for Francis Scott Key’s immortal “Star Spangled Banner”. It was raised at great peril on Mount Suribachi in 1945 on the godforsaken island of Iwo Jima. It sits atop Mount Everest, placed there by American mountaineer Jim Whittaker in May of 1963. When our Olympians stand victoriously on the podium, Old Glory is raised high above their heads. The flag is how America signs her name. The flag is the emblem of America’s collective character.
There’s commotion going on about Wilder Productions adding a warning label on its reprints of the United States Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, Common Sense, the Articles of Confederation and the Federalist Papers.
It reads, in part: “This book is a product of its time and does not reflect the same values as it would if it were written today. Parents might wish to discuss with their children how views on race, gender, sexuality, ethnicity and interpersonal relations have changed since this book was written before allowing them to read this classic work.”
Can someone please tell me why there must be a warning label on the only safeguard of our liberties? It was Franklin Delano Roosevelt who is credited with saying that “the United States Constitution has proved itself the most marvelously elastic compilation of rules of government ever written.”
As Flag Day, which is celebrated each June 14 approaches, let us remember the poignant words of John F. Kennedy, who on October 27, 1963 said, “A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces, but also by the men it honors; the men it remembers.”
As long as older gentlemen stand ramrod straight to salute Old Glory. As long a brave young men go to fight a war on distant soil so that the enemy doesn’t fight us in our homeland and until I am no more, I will stand guard over liberty. Will you join me?
The next time you catch a glimpse of the moon, remember, there’s a flag up there.
~ No Sheeples Here
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