Remember my big question the other day about the line between kindness and sacrifice? Turns out I don't think that's where God wants my energy. He's the ultimate teacher, right? He has the authority to change lesson plans.
At the preschool program today, I wanted to sit by my friend. I like her and I'm comfortable with her and she makes me laugh and feel normal. The other mothers, not so much. But what happened? My dear, sweet son sat me in the middle of the the women who have said no more than a handful of words to me since September. As he led me to the seat, I thought, "Oh, you are funny, God. Kindness means not just what comes out my mouth and shoots off my face in an expression, but what's in my heart."
I DON'T WANNA!
Okay. So I didn't really yell that, though I seriously considered evasive action for a split second. Nope, like the teacher-pleaser I am, I sat my posterior down where my child directed. You know what happened next? And I promise I'm trying to keep the preachy tone down. I thought of Galatians 5:22-23 and the commentary in the Life Application Bible and how it said that I can't will myself to have the fruits, but that I needed to invite the Spirit to produce them in me.
I let go. That's all I did. I let go. I let go of all the thoughts swirling in my head and poof! They seemed to just swirl right out of me. Suddenly I felt relaxed and ... kind.
I don't know if this fits in or not or maybe it does so much I can't see the forest for the trees. I'll let you be the judge. I've had Mama Worries lately about my relationship with my children. Sometimes I wonder/worry if their emotional needs are being met.
Last night, after lying in bed for over an hour and not sleeping, it finally dawned on me to pray. (Duh.) I was physically exhausted, but my brain was just racing. The words of two friends melded and it dawned on my addled brain to pray for God to use me to meet the needs of those around me. Let me be where He wants me to be and use me for His purposes. I fell asleep instantly.
In answer to prayer, this morning our oldest came in our room after his alarm clock woke him. I invited him to snuggle with me while we watched the weather report. He curled up with me, we looked at the weather, and then I hit the "off" button. We snuggled and talked. He nuzzled into me and in those few minutes before the day launched, I knew he felt what every kid should feel in his own home. Amen.
So am I getting answers to my big question about the line between kindness and sacrifice? Kinda. What God's teaching right now is that it's about letting go of the "me" getting in the way and letting Him be kind through me.
Anyone else notice it's only Wednesday and I started this on Monday? Am I gonna be like Gandi by the time this is over? Well, probably not. Gandi wasn't Christian. Mother Teresa? No. She wasn't Protestant. An insufferable pious pootyhead? Oye, vay. ;-)
(side note: the built-in spell check doesn't seem to mind "pootyhead." really? "pootyhead" passes spell check? and here I was thinking I was all clever... think I found the title for the post)