Just a Polyp

Yesterday came and went.  The colonoscopy and endoscopy went well.  There was a polyp.  The doctor did three biopsies and we'll get the results next week.  Really, it looks like nothing.

The take-away lesson here is that you have to take care of you.  If you notice something wrong, go see the doctor.  Chances are good it'll be nothing and it's better to know.

Yeah, and here are a few other take-away lessons for future colonoscopies: baby wipes, diaper rash cream, start at noon, and stop drinking after starting the cleanse.  Just sayin'.

And thank you very, very much for the prayers.  I appreciate them.

Just Name It

I've been really stressed lately.  Money stress.  Health stress.  Career stress.  Liberals-trying-to-reshape-America stress.  America-as-I-know-her-disappearing stress.  All amounting to being too stressed.  Not sleeping stressed.  Inhaling too many M&M's stressed.  Oh, hush, like you've never mowed through a medium-sized bag of M&M's in a few days (and frankly, if you haven't, today is not the day I want to hear about it, maybe tomorrow).  I digress.

I've been stressed to the point where I've not been able to pray well.  We're told in the Bible that when we can't pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.  Oh - what do I mean by "pray well?"  Well... I mean putting words to my thoughts, er, putting my thoughts into words.  I mean taking the worries and queries and wonderings and praises and recognitions and putting them into words and addressing the Lord, be it through verbal or silent prayer.

Lately, I've been so stressed all I can do internally gasp, "Lord?"  The whole prayer is encompassed completely in that one utterance.  My heart has felt so bound up that I couldn't even speak for my heart - if that makes any sense.

The LOST finale (excellent, by the way) was last night and long after it ended, my mind whirred and purred while I attempted to sleep. Throw in some revealingly awful nightmares and I didn't sleep.  Sigh.  Nothing like some bad dreams to show you exactly what's weighing on you.  I've been so tired and frazzled that my normally prone-to-get-misty-with-emotion eyes practically leak all the time and my mind is mush.  I feel like a walking tear drop.  It doesn't really work for me, this leaky-eye business. 

This morning, when I "woke" up (really, how does one wake up when one didn't really sleep?), the world and all it's troubles felt utterly overwhelming.  And then, probably from the Holy Spirit's prompting, I felt urged to pray.  

Only this time, I felt an urge to specifically name what I was giving back to/asking the Lord.  I named it.  I got very specific and very clear and as the words came out of me - out loud in the car - an amazing thing happened.  

With every word out of my mouth and offered to God, I felt stronger.  Naming each thing before God took the power from the thing and replaced it with the power of God. The process took the weakness out of me and filled my spine with confidence that God has it.  He has it.  

I could tell you I'm ashamed it took a month or so (more like months, ahem) to remember to name each thing before God, but that would be a lie.  Sometimes it takes the time it takes to get back where you need to be with God.  Sometimes you have to get low enough that all you can see is the worry so that all you can focus on again is God. 

There have several moments today when that weakness threatened to make me wobble again and immediately I prayed - in a clear and calm voice and I named it.  Sometimes, you just have to name it.

~ G

LOST

How did I explain to my husband the significance of the LOST series finale?

"Imagine this were the last - EVER - Super Bowl and the last football game that will ever, ever be played. EVER. And tonight's airing of the pilot is like the final playoff game. EVER."

Sigh.  What are the chances of getting to watch (undisturbed) tonight's re-airing of the pilot and the series recap and series finale tomorrow?  Slim.

Plus, we have a very big week ahead of us.  It's a lot to ask Darling to give me tonight and tomorrow "off" and expect him to carry the whole load Wednesday and Thursday.  I do the "cleanse" on Wednesday and the procedure is on Thursday.  I'll post on Friday about the results.

Lovely.  A post about LOST turned into a post about my butt.  See?  This isn't why I'm not posting right now.  Can't get my head out of my ass.  (Confused about the enhanced interrogation of my butt?  Read this.)

And thank you, thank you for all the prayers.

~ G

Not Worrying Takes Energy

How did I spend yesterday you ask?  Okay, I know you didn't ask, but humor me.  I spent an hour or so at the gastroenterologist's office.  Fun times.

Fair warning:  Stop reading now if you've got a queasy tummy, don't wanna know, don't really care, or are too hardened to give a rip.

Ahem.  Here goes:  For the past six months or so, I've had intermittent bloody stools, among some other choice symptoms.  I warned you it would be gross.  So, what did I, a very mature and responsible wife and mother, do?  I ignored it.  At an October visit with my internist, I consciously told her I was fine and only my asthma was kicking up and would you help me, please.  When my OB/GYN asked the same question "anything else going on?" at my annual in March, I lied again.  It finally occurred to me that if I lied about my health being dandy, it probably wasn't dandy and I needed to grow up, get a grip, and tell my doctor.  But, seriously, it's my butt.  Who wants to tell people about stuff happening with her butt?  It's. My. Butt.

Sigh.  So, I made an appointment to talk about my butt with my internist.  You'll be proud of me.  I was honest and told her all the details at that appointment a few weeks ago.  She listened to me.  Did an exam.  Ick.  She proceeded to say something to effect of "given [my] very challenging vascular issues during pregnancies and this wasn't a problem then, [she's] not comfortable simply calling this internal hemorrhoids. [She's] also concerned that [I] always feel "full" up to my throat without any other symptoms of heartburn.  [She] referred [me] to Dr. S so he can decide what to do, chances are it won't be a full colonoscopy."  Oh, so-ho-ho charming.

Yesterday I saw Dr. S.  He listened to my story.  I assured him I hadn't had any symptoms in a month, aside from always feeling full, and I didn't really need to be there.  He laughed and continued talking.  Bah.  After our very frank, very detailed discussion where I kept asking myself if I might be exaggerating and could really just laugh and tell him him I was a sick attention-hound and could just go now -no pun intended-, but realized I had already been minimizing my health and needed to sit right there and after asking me many questions about how I did with anesthesia during my D&Cs (post miscarriages), he declared this:

"I'm not comfortable with theses symptoms and how they don't mesh with any other diagnosis.  I want to do a colonoscopy to check for varicosities higher up, I want to check for polyps, ulcers, and cancer.  I also want to do an endoscopy to check for any varicosities in your esophagus.  Plus, reflux from pregnancy might not have gone away and you could have some damage we need to address.  I'm not comfortable with waiting and seeing.  There's nothing to be gained by it.  You're young and a little too young for cancer, but sometimes we see it in women in their 30's.  I've gone in before, thinking it's just internal hemorrhoids, and found cancer.  Other times, I've gone in sure it was cancer, and it was just an ulcer.  I want to do a colonoscopy and an endoscopy to see what's going on.  It's better to know it's nothing."

So.  There it is.  Intellectually, I completely agree with the logic.  Intellectually, I completely agree we need to know it's nothing.  And, on the off-chance it's something, we need to know sooner than later.  The logical side of my brain comprehends and agrees.  The emotional part of me wants to curl up in a little ball and cry for a week.  But, I'm a wife. I'm a mom.  No where in that contract is there a "curl up and weep for unlimited days" clause.  (If you have one in your contract, lemme know so I can appeal mine.)

Darling came home early last night, made dinner and got the kids to bed so I could zone out.  (Huh, guess my clause is unwritten.)  Since then, my mindset has gone from denial to embarrassed to terror to denial.

Why am I telling you this?  Well, I'm a writer and getting it out via words is cathartic.  It helps me organize my thoughts and ... yeah, I don't know.  I write.  The other reason I'm telling you is I want to encourage you to take care of yourself.  I'm only in my 30's.  Obviously, I have some things I need to address and with the help of my doctors, I'm addressing it.

Chances are very good it's nothing.

There's also a chance it could be something.

So let my butt talk be a lesson to you:  Don't lie when the doctor asks if  "there's anything else going on or are there any other questions" you might have.

Very long, wordy story short, I'll either be posting a whole lot this week to get my mind off my butt (there's a visual for you) or I might be scarce.  Either way, I'll post next Friday (5/28) and tell you the confirmation diagnosis of "it's nothing."  Or I'll tell you it's not nothing and beg for more prayers.  And there it is.

The end.  ahahahahahahaha

~ G

From the Mouths of Babes

Middle One asked to learn the Lord's Prayer.  Precious, I know.  Tonight he was praying with me instead of repeating.  This is what I heard:

"Our Father, who art in heaven,

Howard be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, 

I will be done..."

I choose to believe God's laughing as hard as we are.  

Or harder.

~ G

Make Your Voice Heard!

Ever wonder how politicians figure out what their constituents want?  Ever wonder how restaurants know what patrons prefer?  Ever wish you could be one of those people who gets to sound off on the latest issue or product?  Well, you can.

Join Polling Point and make your voice heard. Aside from giving my conservative perspective, I earn points every time I complete a poll.  I've been responding to Polling Point for a couple years and recently received my t-shirt for points.

So why am I bringing this up on my blog?  Well, no one's paying me.  But, I just finished a poll on immigration, my state's education policies, and whether or not I approve of Obama's policies.  (I'll give you one guess on how I answered that last question.)  It occurred to me that you might be interested in joining and making your conservative voice heard, too.  Join and pass on the link.

~ G

Elena Kagan's Colors

Want to know more about Elena Kagan's political positions?  Curious to know more about her thought process?  Her senior thesis at Princeton is available for perusal.

I think this says it all:
“Through its own internal feuding, then, the SP exhausted itself. forever and further reduced labor radicalism in New York to the position of marginality and insignificance from which it has never recovered. The story is a sad but also a chastening one for those who, more than half a century after socialism's decline, still wish to change America. Radicals have often succumbed to the devastating bane of sectarianism; it is easier, after all, to fight one's fellows than it is to battle an entrenched and powerful foe. Yet if the history of Local New York shows anything, it is that American radicals cannot afford to become their own worst enemies. In unity lies their only hope.”


Want to read it for yourself?  Here you go:

Elena Kagan's Senior Thesis Princeton University

Thanks to Reaganite Republican and No Sheeples Here.

~ G